Winter Disturbances
by Heavens Wrath 15
Summary: Epic Randomness! Oneshot! Tsunade wants to have a Christmas party, Shikamaru goes into a nervous breakdown, and why is everyone being so annoying! Believe it! NaruSaku!


**This is for shits, giggles, and cracks. Yes, this is totally RANDOM, and should make little to no sense. Totally different from what I have normally written in the past, but hopefully enjoyable in its own way. My main influence is "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll as I just finished reading it the other day. One shot! Basis: what if every character said their most annoying lines all the time. At least it got my creative juices flowing! Best of Luck!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

_**Winter Disturbances  
**_

"A huge Christmas party? You gotta be kidding me. That sounds so boring! Believe it!"

"Naruto, don't make this anymore troublesome than it already is," Shikamaru commented with a sigh, "Do you even know what Christmas is?"

"No. Believe it!"

Shikamaru face faulted into the ground, "So you don't want to go even though you don't know what it is?"

"Yep. Believe it!"

"How Troublesome."

Naruto crossed his arms, "Well, what is this Christmas thing about anyway?"

"I have no idea. Tsunade-sama didn't really give me much details about it either. I guess it's suppose to be that this big fat guy dressed in red with a long white beard and hair sneaks into houses and does something. Something about presents being carried in this huge red bag. I think she said he drops them off in exchange for cookies and milk. Honestly I think she made this all up."

"With all the medical drugs she deals with you never know what she uses. Believe it! Also what if I don't want to give him cookies and milk? I like my milk, and he doesn't need more cookies if he is already fat. Believe it!"

"I don't know, I'm new to the concept myself. Tsunade said it was some sort of tradition that occurred before the ninja war of her time."

Naruto visualized Jiraiya with a long white beard wearing red, and carrying a huge bag full of his books. The image caused him to fall over laughing.

"What now?"

"Nothing, but this whole thing sounds boring. Believe it!"

"Sakura is going."

"I said it sounded exciting. Believe it! I would love to go. When does it start?"

"How troublesome. It starts around noon tomorrow. I'll tell Tsunade-sama you'll help out with decorating in the west side of the village."

"What? I never agreed to that! Just that I would come. Believe it!"

"Sakura will be on the west decorating team."

"YAY! DECORATIONS ARE AWESOME! BELIEVE IT!"

"Did you just inhale a Prozac out of the air?"

"HOW FAR AWAY IS THIS CHRISTMAS?"

"I'm seriously starting to reconsider your actions, so please contain yourself. Its in about a month, but decorating starts tomorrow."

"YAY! DECORATIONS! BELIEVE IT!" Naruto fist pumped the air.

At this point, Kiba, Hinata, and Shino walked over as they had just turned the corner and saw Naruto about ready to pee his pants.

"Yo! What's all this commotion about decorations?" Kiba inquired.

"Oh good, this saves me an extra trip," Shikamaru commented, "It's about setting up for this idea that Tsunade-sama wants to do. You all are to report to the hokage's office tomorrow at noon to be assigned to something regarding the winter party."

Hinata approached Naruto, "H-h-h-h-h-hello, Na-na-na-na-Naruto. H-HH-H-H-How Ar-Ar-Ar-Are Y-Y-Y-Y-You?"

"I can't understand what you are saying. Are you feeling alright? You're turning a bright tomato red color. I've never seen such a red color before. Believe it! Doesn't really suit you though. Oye, Hinata? Is the ground really all that comfortable?"

Hinata had just passed out as Shino caught her and lowered her to the ground.

"Yo! Naruto, we talked about this man," Kiba said as he lifted the unconscious Hinata over his shoulder as if he were a fireman, "You need to keep your distant more than a few inches from her face. She gets nervous easily."

"She'll be fine. Believe it! Anyway, DECORATIONS! BELIEVE IT!"

"Your excitement makes me nauseous. Can you come down from being a blazing fire for one day? So troublesome. I'll see you all tomorrow at noon." With that he ran as quickly away from the group mumbling, "So troublesome, so troublesome, so troublesome!"

**-The Next Day, Noon-**

"Shikamaru," Naruto pulled his arm and whispered into his ear, "Why is it that under the sign that says 'West Decorations Team,' only Sai is standing there?"

"Unfortunately Sakura is sick with a fever of over a 103 degrees, and stayed home to rest."

Naruto eyed Sai then put his mouth next to Shikamaru's ear again, "This SUCKS! BELIEVE IT!" He yelled.

Shikamaru fell over onto the ground, "Ow! Yes, that's my ear! So troublesome. Make the best of it. Just finish early then you can go see Sakura. So troublesome."

"Why waste my time doing one thing when I can do both?" He put his hands together and made 20 clones then ran off waving back at Shikamaru, "I'll go check on Sakura first. These 20 should be enough. Believe it!"

"So troublesome." Shikamaru looked back over to Sai who was now displaying a scroll with a large penis on it, "No! You can not draw or hang it on the walls of the Hokage's office! Just because there are two balls and a stick does not mean it belongs on a tree!"

"Are you jealous, because yours isn't that big?"

"What? That's inappropriate for children! This is suppose to help pass on the will of fire to the young generation!"

"I see, so you really are ashamed of your small penis?"

"What the?"

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure we can think of a nickname for you. How about short cake? Stumps? Short bus? Schlort? Shlittle? I'm sure some women like small dicks like yours. It will be okay." With that he walked away.

"…What the hell just happened? So troublesome!"

He turned to the remaining three groups of people. "Alright, group 1, you will be going-"

Kiba then walked up, "Yo! What are we suppose to do?"

"Can't you see I am about to say that? I want you to get food!"

"Yo! Yo! That's not what my skills are for."

"It's not complicated Kiba, just use your freaking skills!" Shikamaru returned his attention to the groups, "Alright, group 1, food, group 2, trees-"

"OYE! DID YOU HEAR THAT GUY-SENSEI?"

"I sure did Lee! The eternal youth is on our side today! Green trees were meant to be tamed by Konoha's Sublime Green Beast! Green and Green go together afterall!"

"Oh Guy-Sensei, your words are so profound and yet to meaningful." Lee was nearly in tears from his master's speech.

"Remember Lee! We will accomplish this task! Just don't mess up your hair in the process."

"I won't let you down, Guy-sensei!" Both hugged each other in tears.

"After all these years, we will accomplish this task with divine intervention on our parts."

Shikamaru sighed, "…Right…gay-trons…why do I feel so nauseous? So Troublesome. As I was saying, Group 3, light-"

"Shikamaru!" Tsunade ran up to him.

"What now?"

"I think we should swap them around?"

He stared blankly at her for a moment before throwing the clipboard with papers he was holding up in the air, "You were the one who told me to choose how I wanted to divide the teams."

"Yeah, but I think it will be better another way. You can think up a way."

"Why should I change it? So troublesome. I figured out the best plan of action already, and it should be fine."

"This is a direct order from the Hokage." She took a drink from the bottle of sake she was holding.

"What? So troublesome. Why did you put me in charge if you wanted to make the decisions?"

"If you aren't in charge then I would have to do this all myself, and that takes too much time. Besides, it's easier to tell you what to do, and let you do all the work."

"So Troublesome! What am I? Your little peon?"

"Essentially. Now make all the teams work the way I want them too! That's a direct order from the Hokage." She began to down the rest of her bottle of sake.

"STOP SAYING THAT! YOU ARE THE HOKAGE! SO TROUBLESOME!"

**-To Where Naruto is-**

"Ha Ha! This works out even better. Believe it! Once I get over there, I can take care of Sakura without any distractions, and spend the whole day with her. Believe it! Forget putting up decorations! Believe it!"

He reached her house and knocked on the door, "Oye Sakura-chan! It's me, Naruto. Believe it! Let me in! I heard you were sick and I- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE SASUKE?"

It was Sasuke that had opened the door, "I'm taking care of Sakura since I heard she was sick."

"WHAT? Aren't you suppose to be off somewhere training and attempting to get greater powers to destroy Konoha?"

"I guess not. Ask the writer."

"Screw the writer! I came here to take care of Sakura-chan! So you can just get out of my way! BELIEVE IT!"

"Bit late dead last. That's my job today." Naruto jumped for the open door, but slammed into it as Sasuke closed it on his face.

Naruto banged on the door, but then realized it would be pointless. _'That damn Uchiha bastard! What is he doing here? That's right, she is upstairs! BELIEVE IT!'_ He took several steps back until he could see the balcony.

**-BOOM-**

"HEAD SHOT! HAHA! I TOTALLY GOT HIM! DID YOU SEE THAT? I'M THE BEST!"

Naruto laid on the ground for a moment until he realized that he had been successfully hit in his left temporal lobe by a flying object which completely knocked him out.

"DAMN IT KOHONAMARU! I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER! BELIEVE IT!" With that he jumped towards the wall opposite the balcony, and vaulted off towards one of Sakura's open windows. He was just about to go in head first when it closed and his body completely collided with the window. He could see Sasuke standing on the other side, glaring at him as he slid down. Landing on the ground on his back, he laid there looking up at the window and sky. Sasuke had poked his head out to stare at him before giving him the middle finger, pulling his head back in, and closing the window once again.

"That bastard. Believe it!"

"NARUTO!"

"Oh fuck, it's that old grandma…YES HAG! I'M OVER HERE! BELIEVE IT!"

She ran over to him as he lifted himself off the ground, "Why aren't you helping decorate?"

"BECAUSE THAT'S BORING AS HELL! BELIEVE IT! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME OLD GUY STEALING COOKIES AND MILK! AND SAKURA-CHAN IS SICK, AND THAT DAMN BASTARD IS IN THERE! BELIEVE IT!"

**-GLASS SHATTERING-**

Naruto and Tsunade jumped out of the way just in time for a bruised and battered Sasuke to land right next to them. They looked up towards the window to see a tired, sick Sakura waving her fist down towards him.

"NO! I AM NOT GOING TO HELP YOU REVITALIZE THE CLAN! IF YOU TRY TO STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN TWO! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF 15 KIDS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY HIPS WOULD HURT AFTER THAT OR HOW BIG MY BOOBS WOULD BE! NO ONE LIKES SAGGY BOOBS! NO ONE!"

"But there would at least be a lot of sex!" Sasuke yelled back up from the ground.

"FOR THE FIRST 9 MONTHS, BUT THEN I WOULD BE TOO BUSY WITH THE CHILDREN, AND YOU WOULD BE OFF DOING WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO! PROBABLY WHACKING OFF TO PORN WHILE I SLAVE AWAY TAKING CARE OF THE OFFSPRING!"

Naruto and Tsunade both stared at each other until finally Naruto spoke, "Isn't Sakura-chan suppose to be head over heels for Sasuke-kun? Believe it."

"I guess she really doesn't like the idea of saggy boobs," Tsunade commented as she took a swig of her bottle of sake, "Just remember, Naruto, the cake is a lie."

"Eh?"

They tuned back into the conversation between the two.

"Come on, Sakura. You have the perfect hips for child bearing! It wouldn't be too hard to pop out a few."

"I AM NOT A GUMBALL MACHINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SCREWED UP MY HORMONES WILL BE AFTER THAT? OVER AND OVER AGAIN! SELFISH BASTARD!"

It was at this that Sakura disappeared into her room, and the next thing the three saw was the whole wall exploding. A bed emerged from behind, and was zooming straight for them. All three stood there until they realized at the last second to get out of the way by diving to the side of where the falling bed would land. Sakura was huffing and puffing as she stood on the second floor in her Pjs with a blanket wrapped around her.

"What is with all you women? Karin refused me a week ago, and so did every other girl. I figured I'd at least have a chance with someone who so blindly loved me. I really won't be-"

**-BOOM-**

Sasuke was flying down the alleyway. He hadn't anticipated Tsunade's kick to his head which launched him.

Naruto stood in awe, "Wow, that was a nice kick. Believe it!"

"I pretended it was your annoying head I was kicking, and that made it much easier."

"Makes sense. Believe it!"

"Knock it off with saying, 'Believe it,' for once, Naruto. My work is done. Konohamaru, come on. We're outta here." They turned and walked down the alley as she drank out of her sake bottle.

"I'm the best!" Konohamaru chimed.

At that moment, Naruto noticed a body falling towards the ground feet first. Recognizing it was Sakuras' he moved under her and caught her.

"Whoa! I got'cha! Believe it!"

"Thanks Naruto, but I would have been fine."

"Okay, believe it!" with that he dropped her onto the ground causing her to land on her buttocks.

"Ow, what the hell?"

"You said you would be fine. Believe it."

She instantly stood up, grabbed his collar, and began to shake him, "WILL YOU STOP SAYING BELIEVE IT! IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!"

"I will…try, believe it!" She shook him harder, "I can…do it…Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" She shook him more vigorously than before, but he continued to utter the same words.

"STOP IT!" She continued shaking him until the only words he knew were 'believe it.'

She finally released him as he made a thud sound from contact with the ground, "You're worse than Sasuke going off about reviving his clan. What are you doing here?"

"I came here to-um…to cook you a meal. Believe it!"

"Absolutely not."

"What? Why not! It will be a delicious meal like last time. Believe it!"

"At the expense of my ceiling."

"It was an accident. Believe it!"

"You burned holes through the ceiling to the second floor."

"My hands slipped. Believe it!"

"FIVE TIMES?"

"…"

"How did you manage that? I have no idea, but you aren't cooking in my house again."

"Well then let me help out another way. Believe it!"

She glared at him, "I swear you're impossible."

"I try. Bel-" Before he could say the rest of his classic phrase, Sakura had kissed him on the lips. After a few moments of sharing saliva she removed herself from him as he stared at her in awe.

"Whoa…"

"You're also, well…another reason why I turned down Sasuke."

"I-I am?"

"Yeah. I kind of stopped liking him after nearly being killed by him a few times, and you seemed like such a good choice since we know each other so well."

"Welp, that's a good enough reason for me."

Sakura paused, and stared at him, "Naruto, you…"

"I didn't what? You seem in shock. Are you feeling alright? We should probably get you back into bed." He smiled at this thought, "And if you need something to cuddle with, well I can definitely help in that way as well."

"You haven't said 'Believe it!' in that entire paragraph worth of sentences."

He paused for a moment, then jumped up and down yelling, "I'M CURED! I'M CURED! YAY! I DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT ANYMORE! I HAVE BEEN FREED OF THIS CURSE! BELIEVE IT!"

Sakura face faulted, "I guess it was worth a shot-"

"This will be excellent material for my new book!" Came an excited voice. Both teens turned to see Jiraiya quickly scribbling down notes in a book. "I have never seen such an epic plot! Hero cured by random female, this is perfect."

"Oye! Ero-sennin! Where is your red suit, white beard, and bag of porn? I'm not trading you milk and cookies for it either."

"I don't know about the suit or beard, but the bag of gifts isn't for you. Why would I want milk and cookies for it when I could have girls and booze?" He went back to scribbling profusely into his notebook.

Kakashi stood stoically next to his sensei, then walked over to the two, "He has been ranting about how there hasn't been good material for quite some time. We were going to invite you to join us at the hot springs, Naruto, but it seems you will be quite hot as is. So remember, safe sex is good sex. Just remember not to go too hard on your first shot. Sakura, I trust you to help him with that. We'll catch ya later." Kakashi then dragged Jiraiya who was still scribbling in his book away.

Naruto turned to Sakura, "Awkward…"

"In every way, shape, and form."

"Anyway, can you explain what he is talking about?"

"Well, you see, you were gone for two years. It was right when everyone hit puberty, and well, we all sort of got busy so to speak, but at least we know what condoms are."

"C-condoms?

"What color would you like? I have a whole container upstairs. Though I have a feeling it will be hard to keep everything private," she commented as she pointed up towards her bedroom. The wall was completely missing. "I should probably get my bed back up there so we can talk." With that, she picked up her bed, and chucked it back onto the second story through the open wall.

Naruto simply watched, "Wow you have monster strength. Super sca-" He turned to look at her glaring at him, "Attractive," he finished with a smile.

"Anyway, I don't have anymore green, white, or red condoms. Lee used all the green ones, Neji used all the white ones, and Gaara used all the red ones. Oh, and Sasuke was trying for all the purple ones. I still have orange ones, and I'm pretty sure they will fit you just right."

"You…you slept with all of them?" Naruto was looking at her flabbergasted with his mouth hanging open. "How busy were you during those years?"

She began to laugh uncontrollably, "Very busy, Naruto, very busy. Everyone was required to have a sex education class, and since I work in the hospital I always have access to free condoms so I give them out. It's nice to know that I finally found someone to use the orange ones as I have a collection of those."

"Wait a second, what kind of sex education class was this?"

Sakura started laughing again. "It was an informational class. However I can demonstrate the practical implications upstairs if you want."

"That's an even better line for my book!"

Both teens turned to the sound of the older man's voice as he was just down the alley. "I thought you were gone, Ero-sennin! You creepy, old man!" Naruto yelled.

Sakura grabbed Naruto's arm, and dragged him into her house, "Christmas is early this year! Lets decorate!" She exclaimed as she slammed the door in Ero-sennin's face.

Kakashi laughed, "I told you we should have been farther away this time."

"No worries, I definitely got enough material to make it worth our while. I need to go find Tsunade and explain to her some practical implications I just learned." With that he ran off down the alley in pursuit of Tsunade.

Kakashi sighed, "Maybe next time we'll make it to the hot springs," with that he pulled out his favorite orange book, 'Make Out Paradise,' and continued reading as he went down the alley the other way.

* * *

**I have no idea what possessed me to write this. I have no idea what the point of this is. I don't know if it would be crack or not, but it definitely is random. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Read and review.**


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